Monthly Archives: February 2015

Daily Elite Daily #7

Why No Matter How Much You Think You Do, You Never Really Know Anyone (Suggested subtitle: One of the most incomprehensible things you will ever read on Elite Daily)

by Saima Khan on Feb. 25, 2015

We talk, we laugh, we cry, but do we know what goes on behind closed doors?

What if it’s laughing, talking or crying? Mind. Blown.

Thin walls separate one from millions and what’s on the other side creates all the confusion.

I often employ the classic “??????” for phrases like these but there are so many of them that I’m going to have to up my game.

During an intent gaze, a curve on the lips, a crease on the forehead or a gesture of the hand, could there only be a single meaning behind each motion, or could it be a matter of a thousand?

You know what they say: a crease on the forehead is worth a thousand words.

You can never really know people because you can never really understand a personality, figure out the words behind the emotions or comprehend the perfections behind the imperfections.

Unless you explicitly ask someone, then maybe.

It really isn’t possible to know someone just by talking or being with him or her.

How are you supposed to know a person then? Telepathy?

Yes, you could be talking to your partner all the time before marriage, and you are certain that you know him, but are you 100 percent certain about your certainty?

Don’t pull this meta shit on me, Khan. You’re either certain or you’re uncertain.

To be honest, as much as we make ourselves believe that we know people, we never actually do.

I sense this is going to come up several times more.

She closed her eyes and a teardrop fell. When asked what had happened, she would just say nothing. But, that “nothing” could mean everything.

The attempt at poetry fails thanks to the awful passive voice.

But, that could also mean every syllable in his mental conversation was way beyond his answer. People exist for a reason and reasons exist for people.

There’s a place for that.

Individuals have different perspectives and different approaches.

Give her a Nobel for that feat of reasoning.

However, the most difficult equation of life exists here — an equation where the value of the unknown is infinite because we can never get to know people from all the angles they offer.

Okay, I said I wasn’t going to do this but: ?????????

We realize later that we just knew them superficially when we found out the equations didn’t match.

I don’t think you’re supposed to match equations, are you?

We can never really know people, but we can understand certain people in our lives and based on that understanding, we create wonderful relationships that promise to last.

“You can never really know people, but you can know people.”

Of course, new people will come in and fill holes made by the ones who left. On the canvas of life, we often go off color.

How did the first sentence connect to the previous one? Who knows?

But, as long as there are special people to add the right shades, life goes on to be a rainbow.

I defer my final comment to the only comment on this story:

wtf

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Daily Elite Daily #6

Why Celibacy Before Commitment Is Rare In Today’s Hook-Up Culture (Suggested subtitle: “Think you’ve seen enough hand-wringing about hook-up culture? Think again!”

by Slater Katz on Feb. 21, 2015

Dating is a game, a multiplayer one, with unwritten rules and regulations that generational norms impose.

By “unwritten” she likely means “Written in pretty much every article Elite Daily has ever churned out.”

Men and women alike are inspired to follow these rules in order to achieve an equal and opposite partnership.

Is she confusing relationships with a law that Sir Isaac Newton came up with?

It’s not until both parties land at the doorstep of an apartment that the climax begins.

Those living in houses need not apply.

The mark of a successful first date used to be a timid peck on the lips and a promise of a ring-a-ding-ding emanating from a cell phone in the near future.

For an elaboration on what a “ring-a-ding emanating from a cell phone” is, read Slater Katz’s best-seller Dating: An Explanation for Aliens.

Not even 10 years ago, 20-somethings easily understood a kiss was step one and there was no necessary haste to sprint to step two at such a delicate moment during stranger status.

“Such a delicate moment during stranger status” is another phrase that puts alien minds at ease.

Today, leaving a person with a peck that lasts mere seconds is admission into a danger zone where penalties are forever goodbyes.

“I must bid you forever goodbye…” he said.

“No!” she cried. “I thought what we had was special!”

The casual hook-up culture our generation has cultivated has pushed the pressure to go beyond a quick peck to rapidly underneath sweaty sheets, made of Egyptian cotton.

Though “casual hook-up culture of our generation” is such a great awful phrase, I especially love that she has to only do her business under Egyptian cotton sheets.

Just as we expect our wishes and whims for immediate gratification, the slightest twitch of excited genitalia screams for the instigator to satiate it.

If you listen very carefully, excited genitalia will also offer financial tips and general life advice.

The pressure to put out before someone else comes alone, who is willing to do so, haunts the clarity of the decision-making process.

??????????

For those who aim to acquire more than a forgetful, meaningless encounter, time is of the essence when it comes to sex.

I think she means “forgettable” but hey, this guy obeys no one’s rules of clarity in writing.

Bravo’s sharp-tongued love guru, Patti Stanger, preaches that whether you’re 18 or 80, the key to establishing a successful relationship is to have no sex before monogamy…Considering, in sane terms, it should take between two and four months before two people decide to commit, the “Millionaire Matchmaker” owes every Millennial viewer a refund.

You chose to watch The Millionaire Matchmaker, she doesn’t owe you shit!

For those of us who find sex emotional, as opposed to a sport, prematurely engaging in sex is dangerous territory when you’re seeking more than a notch on your bedpost.

Very few can see it as a sport, looking at how devastating the last Sexual Olympic Games were. Huge waste of money.

When do you give in? And, more importantly, do you have to give in to hang on to someone?

Stanger vehemently says no. Her flaw, however, is ageist ignorance. First, acknowledging the fact she’s a reality-TV-produced “celebrity,” her clients are stereotypically middle-aged male disasters, who offer bribes for tolerance.

Exactly. Her clients aren’t anywhere close to millennials, so what’s your beef with Stanger?

Putting off intercourse supposedly brought out our innate personas as complementary hunters and gatherers, and produced an organic chase to satiate a craving with a special prize.

Does the hunter come free with a purchase over $50?

The difference is, back in the day, when cavemen roamed the earth, pickings were slim. There were only so many berries scattered across a barren landscape, making it possible to hone in on the gold with total occupation.

Her word choice is starting to make my head hurt. Don’t know if I can go on…

Alongside society’s progression, there has been the proliferation of the human race cramped into congested hubs and forced to mingle among their differences.

“Mingling among their differences” is basically the definition of life, you asshole.

With so many beings in so many varieties, everyone has the ability to taste the fruits of life until he or she finds one that soothes his or her taste.

Note the word choice: “so many beings” leaves all the options open! “Soothe” your taste to your delight, friend!

If your body does not freely and willingly shed itself of a clothed exterior with tenacity, there is surely someone a swipe away who is willing to compensate for your “weakness.”

Shit, no wonder dating is so hard. Bodies have to shed clothes by themselves now?

The argument that having sex has developed from innate to sensual ignores the powerful community technology has created.

Did she present this argument anywhere? Better question: what the hell does this mean?

Only if technology halts its persistent advancement will options be slim and monogamy seem plausible.

So…an article about celibacy was actually a missive against technology? Magic. Pure magic everyone. Elite Daily, you’ve found your best writer. Promote her, I tell you!

Daily Elite Daily #5

10 Reasons Why You Should Always Go For the Girl Who Drinks Whiskey

by Dan Scotti on Feb. 18, 2015 (Suggested subtitle: A bunch of generalizations about women based on alcohol choice)

You can tell a lot about people by their drink choice.

You’ve got your beer drinkers in one corner, crowding around the keg, chanting “America!” and talking about college.

This just in: if you’re a beer drinker and not college-age or a blatant American patriot, you’re doing it wrong.

Then you’ve got your wine drinkers, twirling their glasses around, most likely judging everybody else around them.

I feel like wine drinkers could also be chanting “America!” and talking about college.

There are the vodka drinkers, busting shots of whatever variety was the cheapest and the gin drinkers, arguing over what their favorite Hugh Grant film is.

If anyone can explain the correlation between gin and Hugh Grant, I will pay them $20.

Whiskey drinkers are some of the most generalized members of the alcohol community.

But wine, beer, vodka and gin drinkers aren’t generalized at all. And I’m sure you’re not going to generalize women based on their drink choice…

Unless you’re trying to convince her you’re dining at Dorsia, you’re definitely going to want a girl who can hold her liquor, especially when you’re taking her out to places.

The correlation between Dorsia and holding liquor is also as confusing as hell.

Ordering whiskey shows confidence — and confidence can be a good indicator of strength.

I’d also think anyone ordering Snake Venom beer is pretty damn confident.

If her drinking habits are any reflection on the rest of her habits, she doesn’t like to half-ass things.

And if her drinking habits aren’t a reflection of the rest of her habits? What then?

There are certain drinks that are just… not hot.

If you are calling drinks “hot” you are probably a douchebag.

There’s just something hot about watching a chick throw back shots of whiskey with a purpose.

Is there?

For whatever reason, whenever I think of people who drink whiskey with any regularity, I feel like they also have a slew of obscure, sophisticated hobbies in addition.

“According to my 100 per cent objective and scientific opinion, whiskey drinkers have weird habits. Also, I’m really running out of ideas already. Why did I agree to list 10 reasons?”

Put it this way: I doubt any true whiskey drinker is going to laugh her ass off after listening to a penis joke, and that’s a good thing for anyone seeking mature company.

No true whiskey drinker would laugh at a penis joke!

She doesn’t just drink whiskey because it’s going to get her drunk faster or because she has anything she’s trying to prove.

Sure, she could throw back shots of cheap vodka, but simply getting pissy drunk is far from her only motive. She sips slow.

So what is her motive?

Is she a people person? Eh, probably not, which is more or less the reason she’s a “whiskey person” in the first place.

This just in: to compensate for introversion, people turn to whiskey.

She’s very in touch with her emotions – thanks in part to whiskey – especially after she has one too many whiskey shooters and lets you know how she really feels.

I had no idea whiskey could put me in touch with my emotions! Where do I sign up?

But just because she doesn’t drive a motorcycle or play bass guitar doesn’t mean she can’t have a little wild streak you don’t know about.

Mr. Scotti’s sense of what is badass appears to come from the 1980s.