Daily Elite Daily #6

Why Celibacy Before Commitment Is Rare In Today’s Hook-Up Culture (Suggested subtitle: “Think you’ve seen enough hand-wringing about hook-up culture? Think again!”

by Slater Katz on Feb. 21, 2015

Dating is a game, a multiplayer one, with unwritten rules and regulations that generational norms impose.

By “unwritten” she likely means “Written in pretty much every article Elite Daily has ever churned out.”

Men and women alike are inspired to follow these rules in order to achieve an equal and opposite partnership.

Is she confusing relationships with a law that Sir Isaac Newton came up with?

It’s not until both parties land at the doorstep of an apartment that the climax begins.

Those living in houses need not apply.

The mark of a successful first date used to be a timid peck on the lips and a promise of a ring-a-ding-ding emanating from a cell phone in the near future.

For an elaboration on what a “ring-a-ding emanating from a cell phone” is, read Slater Katz’s best-seller Dating: An Explanation for Aliens.

Not even 10 years ago, 20-somethings easily understood a kiss was step one and there was no necessary haste to sprint to step two at such a delicate moment during stranger status.

“Such a delicate moment during stranger status” is another phrase that puts alien minds at ease.

Today, leaving a person with a peck that lasts mere seconds is admission into a danger zone where penalties are forever goodbyes.

“I must bid you forever goodbye…” he said.

“No!” she cried. “I thought what we had was special!”

The casual hook-up culture our generation has cultivated has pushed the pressure to go beyond a quick peck to rapidly underneath sweaty sheets, made of Egyptian cotton.

Though “casual hook-up culture of our generation” is such a great awful phrase, I especially love that she has to only do her business under Egyptian cotton sheets.

Just as we expect our wishes and whims for immediate gratification, the slightest twitch of excited genitalia screams for the instigator to satiate it.

If you listen very carefully, excited genitalia will also offer financial tips and general life advice.

The pressure to put out before someone else comes alone, who is willing to do so, haunts the clarity of the decision-making process.

??????????

For those who aim to acquire more than a forgetful, meaningless encounter, time is of the essence when it comes to sex.

I think she means “forgettable” but hey, this guy obeys no one’s rules of clarity in writing.

Bravo’s sharp-tongued love guru, Patti Stanger, preaches that whether you’re 18 or 80, the key to establishing a successful relationship is to have no sex before monogamy…Considering, in sane terms, it should take between two and four months before two people decide to commit, the “Millionaire Matchmaker” owes every Millennial viewer a refund.

You chose to watch The Millionaire Matchmaker, she doesn’t owe you shit!

For those of us who find sex emotional, as opposed to a sport, prematurely engaging in sex is dangerous territory when you’re seeking more than a notch on your bedpost.

Very few can see it as a sport, looking at how devastating the last Sexual Olympic Games were. Huge waste of money.

When do you give in? And, more importantly, do you have to give in to hang on to someone?

Stanger vehemently says no. Her flaw, however, is ageist ignorance. First, acknowledging the fact she’s a reality-TV-produced “celebrity,” her clients are stereotypically middle-aged male disasters, who offer bribes for tolerance.

Exactly. Her clients aren’t anywhere close to millennials, so what’s your beef with Stanger?

Putting off intercourse supposedly brought out our innate personas as complementary hunters and gatherers, and produced an organic chase to satiate a craving with a special prize.

Does the hunter come free with a purchase over $50?

The difference is, back in the day, when cavemen roamed the earth, pickings were slim. There were only so many berries scattered across a barren landscape, making it possible to hone in on the gold with total occupation.

Her word choice is starting to make my head hurt. Don’t know if I can go on…

Alongside society’s progression, there has been the proliferation of the human race cramped into congested hubs and forced to mingle among their differences.

“Mingling among their differences” is basically the definition of life, you asshole.

With so many beings in so many varieties, everyone has the ability to taste the fruits of life until he or she finds one that soothes his or her taste.

Note the word choice: “so many beings” leaves all the options open! “Soothe” your taste to your delight, friend!

If your body does not freely and willingly shed itself of a clothed exterior with tenacity, there is surely someone a swipe away who is willing to compensate for your “weakness.”

Shit, no wonder dating is so hard. Bodies have to shed clothes by themselves now?

The argument that having sex has developed from innate to sensual ignores the powerful community technology has created.

Did she present this argument anywhere? Better question: what the hell does this mean?

Only if technology halts its persistent advancement will options be slim and monogamy seem plausible.

So…an article about celibacy was actually a missive against technology? Magic. Pure magic everyone. Elite Daily, you’ve found your best writer. Promote her, I tell you!

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