Monthly Archives: January 2015

Daily Elite Daily #4

Dear Mom: 9 Things I Wish You Understood About Why I’m Still Single (Suggested title: Another Broad Indictment of This Deplorable “Dating Culture”)

by Lauren Martin on Jan. 19, 2015

I hate to break it to you, Mom, but dating just isn’t what it used to be.

Is this going to be another dating article that assumes we’re in a hookup culture? You bet it is.

Texting is an acceptable form of rejection and it’s no longer dinner then sex, but sex then maybe dinner (if it was worth it).

This is an absolute fact. No one has dinner first anymore. What is this, 1897?

It’s men in sneakers and women on Instagram. It’s rejection across five forms of communication and sex on seven.

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You believe there’s a ton of good guys out there and it’s me jumping to wild stereotypes and scathing assumptions.

Well actually, that’s exactly what you’ve done in this article so far, Ms. Martin.

I’m sure there are good guys out there — actually, I know there are. They’re the ones with girlfriends, or they’re living celibate as monks in Thailand — believe me, I’ve looked and they’re not around here.

So…look elsewhere?

Then again, it may not be the men. It could be the dating culture we’ve created (now downgraded to “hook-up culture”)

And thus, the prophecy is fulfilled.

It could be a collection of things, a mash-up of men, women, social media and the example you’ve set.

This is about the closest she’ll get to anything resembling an intelligent reason, but I fear it will only go downhill from here.

They know if they’re not getting it from you, they can get it somewhere else.

That’s generally how dating works.

Don’t blame it on alcohol; blame it on social media. Try being honorable and dignified in 2015, and all it gets you is a left swipe on Tinder and another Friday night in with Netflix.

I think alcohol can most definitely be blamed more than social media.

You know when you used to say nothing good happens after 11? Well, you were right. Unfortunately, we’re forced to date between 10 and 12, and men know exactly what this means.

The new law, the “Standard Dating Times Act,” passed in 2010 to much controversy.

Cell phones have changed everything about the dating landscape.

Literally everything. Kissing, eating, all changed thanks to cell phones.

You don’t even know what mind games are until you’ve experienced what it’s like to date with texting, Tinder, Instagram and Facebook.

A subtle callback to her previous gem.

You guys did such a sh*tty job that we’re in less of a rush.

I know it seems like a low dig, but it’s the truth. You led by example, and that example was that marriage doesn’t work.

Whose fault is it? Anyone but yours, apparently.

We’ve learned how to date from your mistakes, and if you taught us anything it’s that there’s no greater mistake than committing.

Because 100 percent of marriages lead to unhappiness or divorce, according to recent statistics.

We’re not sold on any American dream.

Um, isn’t the American Dream to get rich and live a wonderful life?

We change course every day, wrestling with those complex choices of guac or no guac, relationship or Netflix.

But the real would you rather: Guac and relationship, or Netflix and no guac?

We’re innovators and inventors, refusing to conform to the mold left by previous generations.

And here the contradictions begin. Clearly she’s not too happy about the current innovations and inventions for this modern dating scene.

We’ve changed the idea of the 9-5, the office culture and the perfect partner. We’re not just looking for someone, we’re looking for “the one.”

But weren’t you just saying that that isn’t the case anymore? And wasn’t your mother probably also looking for “the one”?

We’re thinking about our careers, our friendships and that amazing life we always dreamed of for ourselves.

So was your mother.

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Daily Elite Daily #3

Why You’re Mind F*cking More Than You’re F*cking In A Relationship (Suggested title: “Shitty things shitty people do in relationships that don’t last”)

by Lauren Martin on Jan. 13, 2015

Relationships aren’t about love, they’re about f*cking… not each other, but with each other.

I think centuries worth of philosophers might want to argue with you.

Getting a boyfriend is like enrolling in Jedi school for mind tricks.

Not just anyone can enroll in a Jedi school. Show some respect!

You jump into these old, deceptive tricks you forgot you had up your shallow sleeve, and suddenly you’re a f*cking master at psychology and mind reading.

This is probably just semantics but why is the sleeve “shallow”? Or are you collectively saying that all people who have boyfriends are shallow?

You’ve become a professional manipulator, and most of your time is spent plotting your next move rather than spending any time with your partner.

“I don’t have time to eat dinner right now! I’m plotting.”

You study, strategize and calculate each play until you’re basically walking on water.

And here I thought you needed to be the son of God to walk on water.

It’s a wonder any of us manages to get into relationships at all. But that’s what the games are for, aren’t they? We play them to entice and lure our opponents, hoping to trick them into falling in love with us.

Or, I don’t know, maybe we hope to let our qualities speak for themselves and let love develop naturally?

That’s part of the fun of getting into a relationship, isn’t it? If we were upfront with each other to begin with, what else would there be to look forward to?

A healthy relationship?

The number one mind-f*ck in the game. Text me once, I’ll text you an hour later. Text me twice, I’ll delete your number.

I wouldn’t call this a game so much as “severing any chance you have with someone.”

But in reality, I needed to know why you haven’t texted me in the past 36 hours… not that I would respond if you did.

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You don’t actually use dating apps, but in case he checks your phone, you’d like to make it seem like there’s some competition. If this guy wants to be with you, he’d better be willing to work for you.

Does anyone actually do this?

When a woman says she doesn’t want to be exclusive, it doesn’t mean she wants you to start sleeping with other people — it means she wants you to wonder why the hell she doesn’t want to be exclusive.

It can’t possibly mean she doesn’t want to be exclusive?

I haven’t texted you in two days, but I’ll let you know I definitely still have my phone by posting pictures that show me having a great time with hot guys.

Hot guys that you don’t text back? Is there an infinite loop of guys not being texted and desperately refreshing your Instagram?

If you’re hasty, you’ll jump the gun early and reveal in a semi-coy manner how many men you have, or haven’t, slept with.

I’d be much more interested in how many people someone hasn’t slept with based on modern statistics. “So there are currently 3.5 billion men in the world, I haven’t slept with most of those 3.5 billion men.”

You may even somehow manage to throw how big your ex-boyfriend’s package really was into the conversation.

Excellent tactic, I’m sure.

Toward the end of the game, you can start throwing more chips in. Maybe you allude to the idea you won’t know him next month…

WOAH WOAH WOAH. If a girl told me she might not know me next month I’d be afraid she was suffering early Alzheimer’s or something.

You’re getting to the end, the last round, the final leap. So now it’s all about who caves first, who says, “it” first and who cares less — who comes out the lover and who comes out the loved.

Because a healthy relationship involves only one person being in love.