Daily Elite Daily #5

10 Reasons Why You Should Always Go For the Girl Who Drinks Whiskey

by Dan Scotti on Feb. 18, 2015 (Suggested subtitle: A bunch of generalizations about women based on alcohol choice)

You can tell a lot about people by their drink choice.

You’ve got your beer drinkers in one corner, crowding around the keg, chanting “America!” and talking about college.

This just in: if you’re a beer drinker and not college-age or a blatant American patriot, you’re doing it wrong.

Then you’ve got your wine drinkers, twirling their glasses around, most likely judging everybody else around them.

I feel like wine drinkers could also be chanting “America!” and talking about college.

There are the vodka drinkers, busting shots of whatever variety was the cheapest and the gin drinkers, arguing over what their favorite Hugh Grant film is.

If anyone can explain the correlation between gin and Hugh Grant, I will pay them $20.

Whiskey drinkers are some of the most generalized members of the alcohol community.

But wine, beer, vodka and gin drinkers aren’t generalized at all. And I’m sure you’re not going to generalize women based on their drink choice…

Unless you’re trying to convince her you’re dining at Dorsia, you’re definitely going to want a girl who can hold her liquor, especially when you’re taking her out to places.

The correlation between Dorsia and holding liquor is also as confusing as hell.

Ordering whiskey shows confidence — and confidence can be a good indicator of strength.

I’d also think anyone ordering Snake Venom beer is pretty damn confident.

If her drinking habits are any reflection on the rest of her habits, she doesn’t like to half-ass things.

And if her drinking habits aren’t a reflection of the rest of her habits? What then?

There are certain drinks that are just… not hot.

If you are calling drinks “hot” you are probably a douchebag.

There’s just something hot about watching a chick throw back shots of whiskey with a purpose.

Is there?

For whatever reason, whenever I think of people who drink whiskey with any regularity, I feel like they also have a slew of obscure, sophisticated hobbies in addition.

“According to my 100 per cent objective and scientific opinion, whiskey drinkers have weird habits. Also, I’m really running out of ideas already. Why did I agree to list 10 reasons?”

Put it this way: I doubt any true whiskey drinker is going to laugh her ass off after listening to a penis joke, and that’s a good thing for anyone seeking mature company.

No true whiskey drinker would laugh at a penis joke!

She doesn’t just drink whiskey because it’s going to get her drunk faster or because she has anything she’s trying to prove.

Sure, she could throw back shots of cheap vodka, but simply getting pissy drunk is far from her only motive. She sips slow.

So what is her motive?

Is she a people person? Eh, probably not, which is more or less the reason she’s a “whiskey person” in the first place.

This just in: to compensate for introversion, people turn to whiskey.

She’s very in touch with her emotions – thanks in part to whiskey – especially after she has one too many whiskey shooters and lets you know how she really feels.

I had no idea whiskey could put me in touch with my emotions! Where do I sign up?

But just because she doesn’t drive a motorcycle or play bass guitar doesn’t mean she can’t have a little wild streak you don’t know about.

Mr. Scotti’s sense of what is badass appears to come from the 1980s.

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