Daily Elite Daily #3

Why You’re Mind F*cking More Than You’re F*cking In A Relationship (Suggested title: “Shitty things shitty people do in relationships that don’t last”)

by Lauren Martin on Jan. 13, 2015

Relationships aren’t about love, they’re about f*cking… not each other, but with each other.

I think centuries worth of philosophers might want to argue with you.

Getting a boyfriend is like enrolling in Jedi school for mind tricks.

Not just anyone can enroll in a Jedi school. Show some respect!

You jump into these old, deceptive tricks you forgot you had up your shallow sleeve, and suddenly you’re a f*cking master at psychology and mind reading.

This is probably just semantics but why is the sleeve “shallow”? Or are you collectively saying that all people who have boyfriends are shallow?

You’ve become a professional manipulator, and most of your time is spent plotting your next move rather than spending any time with your partner.

“I don’t have time to eat dinner right now! I’m plotting.”

You study, strategize and calculate each play until you’re basically walking on water.

And here I thought you needed to be the son of God to walk on water.

It’s a wonder any of us manages to get into relationships at all. But that’s what the games are for, aren’t they? We play them to entice and lure our opponents, hoping to trick them into falling in love with us.

Or, I don’t know, maybe we hope to let our qualities speak for themselves and let love develop naturally?

That’s part of the fun of getting into a relationship, isn’t it? If we were upfront with each other to begin with, what else would there be to look forward to?

A healthy relationship?

The number one mind-f*ck in the game. Text me once, I’ll text you an hour later. Text me twice, I’ll delete your number.

I wouldn’t call this a game so much as “severing any chance you have with someone.”

But in reality, I needed to know why you haven’t texted me in the past 36 hours… not that I would respond if you did.


You don’t actually use dating apps, but in case he checks your phone, you’d like to make it seem like there’s some competition. If this guy wants to be with you, he’d better be willing to work for you.

Does anyone actually do this?

When a woman says she doesn’t want to be exclusive, it doesn’t mean she wants you to start sleeping with other people — it means she wants you to wonder why the hell she doesn’t want to be exclusive.

It can’t possibly mean she doesn’t want to be exclusive?

I haven’t texted you in two days, but I’ll let you know I definitely still have my phone by posting pictures that show me having a great time with hot guys.

Hot guys that you don’t text back? Is there an infinite loop of guys not being texted and desperately refreshing your Instagram?

If you’re hasty, you’ll jump the gun early and reveal in a semi-coy manner how many men you have, or haven’t, slept with.

I’d be much more interested in how many people someone hasn’t slept with based on modern statistics. “So there are currently 3.5 billion men in the world, I haven’t slept with most of those 3.5 billion men.”

You may even somehow manage to throw how big your ex-boyfriend’s package really was into the conversation.

Excellent tactic, I’m sure.

Toward the end of the game, you can start throwing more chips in. Maybe you allude to the idea you won’t know him next month…

WOAH WOAH WOAH. If a girl told me she might not know me next month I’d be afraid she was suffering early Alzheimer’s or something.

You’re getting to the end, the last round, the final leap. So now it’s all about who caves first, who says, “it” first and who cares less — who comes out the lover and who comes out the loved.

Because a healthy relationship involves only one person being in love.


One thought on “Daily Elite Daily #3

  1. Pingback: Daily Elite Daily #4 | Michael Writes

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