Daily Elite Daily #8

We’ve Traded Board Games For Dating Games And No One’s F*cking Winning by Lauren Martin on April 17, 2015 (suggested subtitle: A frequent Daily Elite Daily offender rehashes everything ever said about dating, but this time with game metaphors)

Besides checkers, chess and Monopoly, I’m not one for games.

That’s it? Not Cards Against Humanity? Any video game ever?

I don’t like losing, and I definitely don’t like strategizing.

Well, I mean, I’m sorry, but you need strategy to win at a lot of games. Sorry to burst your bubble.

I hate that going on dates means knowing someone is trying to play me. Whether it’s to win me over or to win over me, I just don’t like it.

So you’d rather go on a date with no prospects?

There’s no denying, however, that a few games are necessary.

But I’m sure she’ll never specify what those are.

We like things because we can’t have them — we’re drawn to the unattainable and elusive.

I like the clothes I’m wearing. CHECKMATE.

If people told you they loved you after two days, you’d be more freaked out than turned on.

True, but given its positioning in the story, Ms. Martin makes it sound like this is something that might have been okay before the advent of…hookup culture.

There’s a certain level of honesty we respect, and then there’s just crazy.

Classic non-sequitur. How does that sentence relate to the previous one?

There’s a certain level of game play we expect, and then there’s just uninterested. Or, if they are interested and just playing games to play them, it’s f*cking annoying and a waste of everyone’s time.

Game-playing has become a minefield! Give us a strategy guide!

Because life is too short to waste with games that don’t make sense with rules that no one understands.

Tell that to QWOP!

We now present an evaluation of Ms. Martin’s games

The “Waiting To Respond To Their Text” Game
There are two players. The first player texts first. The second player can either respond or not respond. If he chooses not to respond, he forfeits his turn and either risks his chance for another turn or gets a double text from the first player — and bonus needy points.

If he does respond, he risks losing cool points or gains access to the second round. It’s a game of risk and luck and, most times, the dealer always loses.

Too convoluted. Too many different points to keep track of. Cool points? Needy points? And what function to they fulfill? Why did the “first player” become “the dealer” at the end? What happens in the second round?

The “Excessive Social Media” Game
This is a new game with new technology. It takes as many players as you can find and can involve nudity, drinking and poking. It can either turn the second player on or very, very off. Score is usually kept with “like” points.

I’m even more confused on this one, especially because “drinking” is somehow intersecting with “new technology.”

The “Holding Out” Game
This game involves strategy and skill. If the first player makes a move, but the second player doesn’t, there is a stalemate — where the first player usually stays until the second player gives out.

I don’t think you quite understand the word “stalemate.”

During this time, the second player can employ other positions and gain extra points. If he holds out too long, however, the first player could get bored and quit.

Wait a minute, you just said the second player can’t make a move! Whatever employing other positions means in this context (I literally have no clue), it’s a move.

The “Being Too Busy” Game

This is a one-player game in which there is no winner. You could play for days and still never get to the end. It usually involves a second player dropping out or forfeiting after waiting too long for his turn.

You just said it’s a one-player game.

The “Flirting With Other People In Front Of Them” Game

This is a multiplayer game (even though it’s ideal for two). The more players that get involved, the more complicated it gets and harder it is to keep track of points.

A game for two is multiplayer.

The “Playing Dumb” Game
This is when players act like they don’t know how to play the game to get you to think they will be an easy win. This is a form of hustling, and it’s usually pretty damn obvious.

In a pure game context this could be fun. You have to convince all the players you’re the dumbest in the room.

The “I’m Not Looking For A Relationship” Game
This game is a lot like bullsh*t. It’s about holding on to your cards the longest and not letting anyone see.

She finally makes a decent simile but doesn’t capitalize “Bullshit” to reference the card game and not the expletive or cow crap.

It’s about how well you can lie and deceive, however, if you play the game too well, you’re just going to end up alone with all the cards.

But in the game Bullshit, playing well means you’re not holding any of the cards.

The “Talking About Exes” Game
This involves a ghost player who comes out at special occasions or strategically planned events. He is usually used to knock the second player down, but runs the risk of costing you the game.

Dude, a game with ghost players? Sign me up. Though the physical injury doesn’t sound great.

The “Keeping Score” Game
This is a game in which points are everything, but they really mean nothing. Players go point for point trying to one up the other. Unfortunately, having more points doesn’t guarantee a win.

You just said the points don’t matter though, so how does one win?

The “Pretend You Don’t Like The Games” Game
This is the worst game there is. It involves players who act like they don’t want to play, yet use every chance they get to score on you. They act like they’re too old for games, but cry when they lose.

This sounds kind of like the same principle of the “Playing Dumb” game, but was thrown in at the end so that it could be a neat list of ten games.

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