Elite Daily is a generally terrible website. So why not take down a bunch of its non-news content? As often as I can, I’m going to do a close dissection of one Elite Daily article. I will not link to it, because that is what the website wants. I will give the headline, date of publication and author so you can search for it, if you so wish.
Why I Believe in Marriage, Just Not Weddings
by Laura Argintar on Dec. 5, 2014
In this article, Ms. Argintar argues, I’m sure for the first time ever, that weddings are insane. I will give her a tiny bit of credit, however, in that she actually backs up some of her claims with links. But that won’t stop me.
I know many of you are already on the defense.
The first line of the piece doesn’t even attempt to hook the reader in. Instead, Argintar smugly assumes people who are reading this have no idea how fucking insane weddings are and will support them to the death.
Of the 800,000 “employees” of the wedding industry, only one can be the social media concierge. Everyone else is out of luck sorry.
While marriage remains an institution that benefits just two people, weddings are an enterprise and the people who profit most aren’t the bride and groom.
Really? The bride and groom don’t profit from a wedding? But people the bride and groom pay money to actually do profit? Please, tell me more.
It’s the caterers, event spaces, planners, decorators, florists who stand to gain the most from two people falling in love.
Uh, yes. Because they are paid to do their jobs.
Why do we feel the need to consummate the sacred act of marriage by shelling out thousands of dollars on superficial extras, like gold-trimmed place cards?
I don’t think she’s using the right word here, unless somehow spending thousands of dollars on gold-trimmed place cards can now replace having sex on your wedding day.
My friend once received an invitation to a wedding that was a mini record player with a pre-recorded song. This novel prop was just the start of what he recalls was an “insane wedding.”
GODDAMNIT. This was marginally interesting, but she doesn’t expand on what this “insane wedding is.” Is anyone still following her train of thought? Hard to when the next part goes:
Every time I see a 32-year-old woman on TLC saying she wants to look like a princess in a poofy fairytale ball gown, my heart dies a little. Since when did weddings become the new Sweet Sixteens?
In what way does this thought connect to the previous one? I’m lost.
Why are we squealing over penis straws at age 25 like we did when we were 12 and shopping at Urban Outfitters for the first time?
Okay I’ve only ever been in an Urban Outfitters once. Do they sell penis straws?
Beyond the reception, the add-ons to the wedding celebration cost an elaborate amount as well. Instead of One Big Day, a typical couple now has multiple big days: engagement parties, his and her bachelor fetes, bridal showers and rehearsal dinners, further fueling this economic complex.
Engagement parties might be new but I’m pretty sure everything else she mentions has been around for a very long time. Also, nice use of “economic complex.”
It’s basically become more about an exchange of goods and less about an exchange of vows.
I thought it was about people other than the bridge and groom profiting?
I understand that the reception is important. In a cultural context especially, weddings are a time when two families and friends come together and rejoice in the expansion of the clan. But if two people become contractually betrothed and they don’t throw a party after for everyone to celebrate it, does that mean that their union wasn’t legitimate?
Despite 500 words to the contrary, I’m not saying that I’m against celebrating the love and joy and union between two people.
And now 500 words in, any readers still hanging on are throwing up their hands.
What I am conflicted about is the commercialization of this special love. We already have Valentine’s Day, we don’t need to be sold and marketed another overpriced holiday all in the name of finding The One.
Presumably, if you’re getting married you have already found The One.
When I say “I do,” I want it to be to the person I love, not the table linens.
What a way to bring this to a close. Who the fuck would ever say “I do” to table linens?