The Unbearable Heaviness of Being

I apologize in advance for this post; normally my blog posts are a mixture of personal anecdotes to go along with topics of the day. This is just going to be a lot more personal than anything. So again, I apologize.

To quote from a song that’s been in my head recently: “Some days I’m like Romeo/Climbing up buildings, high-fiving the sun/Other days I’m like Kierkegaard/Drying the tears is what I do for fun.”

Today, and for the past few days, I’ve been feeling like Kierkegaard. I haven’t been crying, but it has been pretty bad.

I think I’ve always been someone who looks sad no matter what the circumstances are. When people make a joke, even if I know it’s a joke, people still feel the need to reassure me that they’re just joking.

I think that no matter how hard of a shell I try to build over myself I’ll never be impervious to feeling really, really down. No matter how much I try to convince myself that letting one thing get me down is a dumb way to operate, still and still I feel the effects.

I haven’t slept all that well for probably about a week. I’m not looking forward to anything. I’m overcome with the feeling to curl up in my bed and just sleep away the hours. Yesterday, despite the fact that I needed to study more for a midterm I have today, I slept for an hour in an attempt to wash away the negativity.

And then, because I am no longer looking with a semi-positive outlook to the future, everything starts to go wrong in some way or another. I have no doubt that when I’m walking to the bus stop or to school I’ll be splashed by a car as i goes through a puddle. These things tend to multiply.

In short, I take things that upset me way too hard. And I have no release for all of this except in my words, which is stupid because I have to talk about my troubles in as vague terms as possible to not betray what, exactly, is happening to me right now.

This has been short and vague and again I apologize. I don’t know how soon I’ll come out of this, but perhaps a few more rounds of reasoning with myself might work.

Happy Wednesday, I guess. Or not.

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