On “Friendzoning”

It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, it really gets me angry.

You know the post. The Facebook status of some guy talking about how he was nothing but kind to a girl, finally found the guts to confess he had romantic feelings for her, then was rejected. Then the girl got together with her asshole ex-boyfriend or another asshole. He will be supported by his friends who all feel terribly sympathetic for him since he had the courage to say how he felt.

One post that I’ve seen floating around the internet goes as follows (I have no idea what the initial source is; this thing has been copied without attribution so often that I have no idea who started it):

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

I’m hoping you can see why this might infuriate me so. The noble “friendzoned” male has an inherent problem; he sees himself as better than everyone. He is the one that should be immediately given a relationship and sex; he is smart, he stays out of trouble, he treats women like people, he buys his crush gifts and talks to her when she’s upset. So he can’t understand why, oh why it is that she doesn’t return his feelings.

A thing about myself—I’ve always considered myself a bit of a romantic, in the classical sense of the word. I often believe that ideals will come true even if they’re just that- ideals.I think I have good qualities: I am often very calm in crisis situations, I’m reliable, honest, etc. But I don’t consider myself someone that women should be lucky to date.

The simple answer to the friendzone dilemma is this: if you befriend a woman simply for the sake of getting into her pants, there is something seriously, seriously wrong with you. If feelings start to develop, that’s fine, but if you resort to calling her a bitch when she rejects you, there is something seriously wrong with you.

And how do you think your female friend feels? Yeah, she rejected you, but she wants to be friends with you at the very least. She is not attracted to you romantically or sexually. It’s that simple.If you were friends with her and then began calling her a cold, heartless bitch, you’ve destroyed a good relationship.

This is why the job analogy quoted above fails. Dating is not like a job interview. In a job interview, it’s your skills and knowledge that get you a job. Courtship does not work the same way. A girl is either attracted or she isn’t. If she isn’t, just fucking move on.


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